Entry 3: Shit won't stop happening and it's killing me slowly

Date: April 6, 2024 @ 12:15pm

So... this one is very heavy. Content warnings for cancer, disordered eating and alcoholism talk from a pro recovery perspective.

On Thursday March 28, before Easter, my papa was diagnosed with cancer. I haven't been able to say it out loud yet. But once.
I've been sick to my stomach since I heard the news, just everyday queasy, I'm afraid to eat because I feel like I'll throw it up but I've been so hungry lately. I've been feeling a lot of guilt for eating so much, even though I know I'm hungry and I feel more full from eating.
I've been drinking a lot. Like... a lot. Too much, I think, but... fuck. Fuck everything, that's what I want to say. Fuck school, fuck work, fuck recovery, fuck love, fuck friends. Fuck. Everything. But I can't do that. I can't because I have to graduate. My papa had always said that he and my grandma always wanted to see me graduate college. I can't... I have to graduate this semester. I have to keep giving a shit. I feel a mix of emotions from this thought process, all of them something that I want to ignore.
I ended up saying hurtful things to a really good friend of mine. She was trying to suggest more safe drinking practices to me, but I didn't want to hear any of it. I hate that I spoke to her that way, I really do. I've already apologized so I don't want to wallow away in self pity, because that serves no purpose. Even though every fiber of my being is saying that I should kill myself. Lol. I'm trying to be better with my self talk, but the RSD is acting up strong on this one. I don't think I'm in the space to process my thoughts exactly, but I know that I default to pushing others away to protect myself, and primarily to protect them from me. It sounds stupid but it's true. She wouldn't want that, it'd probably make things awkward for her. I want to think about how to prevent that from happening again, soon.
I've been having so many thoughts and feelings and emotions and obligations lately. It's so stupid. I know I can't numb it out forever, but I don't... I don't know how else to deal with all of this. I'll call around sometime next week to schedule a therapy appointment. I'm just trying to get through every day, by the hour. Sick of fucking work bullshit because none of it matters. My papa's dying from cancer, and I'm babysitting my boss who doesn't even know how much they charge for basic services. Fuck this.

Sign off. Listening to: another stupid fucking jazz video at work while sipping on a bottle of Blue Moon (said jazz video).